Why Do Married Men Who Have Affairs Stay With Their Wives?

in Marriage

I often hear from frustrated mistresses who are now surprised and disappointed that the husband that they have been cheating with has decided to stay with their wife. Many mistresses are blindsided by this, even though this has often happened to them before. They ask why, after they gave the man everything that he said that he wanted, he then went back to the very thing that he was trying to escape before. The other women just do not understand this. They think that they held up their end of the bargain and they don't understand why the man is not doing this also.

Almost just as often, I hear from wives who doubt their husband's sincerity when he swears that the cheating was a mistake that he will never, ever, repeat. They want to know why, if the marriage made him so unhappy that he had to cheat to get relief, would he want to return to the marriage and his wife now? The answer to the questions from both the mistress and the wife is mostly the same. It really does lie with the fact that the husband comes to realize that what he was looking for when he cheated isn't something that he can or should get outside of his marriage. I will discuss this more in the following article.

When A Man Cheats, He's Often Looking For Something That He Isn't Going To Find Except For Within Himself: There's a common perception that a man who cheats is unhappy in his marriage or has finally found his soul mate in the other woman. This is so rarely true. Sure, these things may be a lie that the two people involved in the affair tell themselves to get through the day, but often, they will eventually have to admit that these perceptions were wrong.

And, they are often looking for a payoff that is going to offer them some relief from the self doubt, boredom, or fear that they are feeling. It's very common for a man to cheat after he loses a parent, a job, or goes through some life crisis. He will often see the cheating as something that will offer him some relief and will make him feel better about his life, himself, and his situation. And, the cheating may feel that it is doing these things at first, but this usually does not last.

Because, in truth, nothing is going to provide these things for the husband except for himself and except for the self work that he, himself, needs to do. No other person can solve his problems except for him. This will usually become quite obvious over time and when it does, he wonders what in the world he's doing here, only creating more problems for himself, and risking pain for the people who have known him for long enough to create a history.

Reality Will Almost Always Set In Eventually: Let's be honest. When someone cheats or has an affair, they are living in a fantasy world. They are not seeing reality for what it is. They are in a relationship that is based on lies, deceit, and assumptions that just aren't real. This might feel good at first. But everyone must come back down to reality sometimes. And when they do, they feel really stupid, really scared, and they realize that all they've done was to just make a bigger mess instead of fixing the mess that they were trying to escape from all along.

Typically the mistress or other person will feel this shift take place, or at least to suspect it. And sometimes when this happens, she will begin to cling. She might begin to show her own insecurities, expectations, and demands. In short, out comes her true colors. When this happens, the game is usually over. He will begin to see that he's not gaining anything from this relationship. His situation is not better. Now he has two women that he has let down. And only one of them is really important to him. And that's when reality comes crashing down.

When this happens, what typically will sound so good to him is to get his old life back. He wants to turn his attention back towards what really matters and he wants to undo all of the wrong that he did. This is usually not anything personal against the mistress and often she really did not do anything wrong. She just got caught up in a process in which things could never turn out positively. The husband went looking for something that could only be found within him, not within anyone else or in a new relationship. It's highly likely that when he returns to his wife, he has finally realized this.

I know that dealing with his affair, no matter when it happened, can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Katie Lersch has 1 articles online

Katie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair.  Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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Why Do Married Men Who Have Affairs Stay With Their Wives?

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This article was published on 2010/12/09
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